I am catching up with posting online my articles. I moved to a new place and I was without fixed internet access for almost a month. I was also very busy with work and that is why I got this big delay with posting online. Though I did not skip a single day with writing my articles.
I have not had this for some time now when I am tired and I don't know what to write about. On the day like this I say to myself "fcuk it". I ask myself: "what am I doing ?"... "what is it for ?" etc. I would like to take back my commitment about writing the Journey To Life for 7 years which I have taken on in 2012 and be left at peace. And I know that I could do it very easy. Just simply stop doing it. Just stop writing it and just go to sleep and have a rest. And then I would also have more time for myself because I dedicate to it every day 30-90 min of my time. But this is not only about the 30 min because I also have to plan my day in such a way so that I have time to do it. And this is also a challenge sometimes because I cannot always go out with my friends or I need to come home earlier while they are still having fun.
And then I also ask myself if anybody is reading my articles at all ? I know that this is my own process and it is all about me but at the same time I am posting and sharing it online so that others can also read it and it would be nice to know that it helps others. And I don't know it. Maybe it does help or maybe it doesn't.
I was fully aware of the consequences when I took this commitment to write about my process every day almost 2 years ago. I was aware that if I take this commitment then I must do everything possible to fulfil it. I knew that it may not be easy but yet I took it on myself. But having the knowledge about something is not the same as having direct experience of it. And today I experience the difficulties which I knew about 2 years ago. I have to deal with it. And I have to push myself to do it.
I ask myself again: "why am I doing it and what for... what does it change ?".
Maybe nothing will change or maybe a lot. I don't know it. Maybe I will regret it after the 7 years that I have wasted so much time. But still I will keep my commitment although I see that the temptation to give it up is getting stronger. You know... all these little thoughts in my mind like "what is it for ?" are there. And on the difficult days they are more intense.
Anyway... I will keep going... I will not give up... step by step... day by day... breath by breath...
To be continued...